Month: March 2023

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The Art of Conversation

When I told a friend that there is an art to conversation, he leaned back in his chair and said, “Yeah, right!” I suppose his retort surprised me as much as my statement surprised him.

In an October 5, 2015 article, Larry Alton listed “6 Tips to Rule the Art of Conversation.” Tip #5 is: “Let the other person do the talking.”

On July 21, 2014 Eric Barker listed 7 points, with his 5th point being: “Great Conversationalists Listen More than Talk.”

Brett and Kay McKay wrote “The Art of Conversation: 5 Dos and Don’ts” on September 24, 2010. The #1 item in the Dos section is “Listen more than you talk.” And the #1 item in the Don’ts section is: “Don’t interrupt.” That is the best summary I’ve ever heard.

“Conversation” has been a hot topic for millennia – even Plato had a lot to say about it (you can look it up later).

Much of the narrative I’ve read concerning the art of conversation was about preparing our thoughts, how to get our points across, how to guide the conversation, and much more. But for those of you who don’t have time to find and read these books, I’ll make it simple. Here is my number one advice on the Art of Conversation:

Don’t Interrupt.

That’s right: listen to the other person. Listen with your intelligence. Listen with your ears. Listen with your eyes. Listen with your body language. And listen with your emotions. Sometimes it is not what we say that makes good conversation; sometimes it is merely being there. And sometimes you don’t need to say anything.

Some years ago in New Mexico, a man came to talk about a problem he was experiencing. After seating him in my office and getting him some coffee, I asked him to tell me what’s on his mind. After about forty minutes of non-stop talking, he said, “Pastor Linzey, I need to get back to work now, but that’s one of the best discussions I ever had with anyone about this problem, and I feel better. Thank you.”

As I looked out the window and watched him drive away in his pickup, I said to myself, “And all I did was listen.”

One of the most prevalent hindrances to the communication process is a discouraging concept called “interruption.” This happens in many ways, but here are four examples.

  1. A discussion is being enjoyed by two people, and a third person walks up and begins to talk. This is utterly rude, for the interrupter acts as though the world revolves around him.
  2. A person is talking but the other person repeatedly cuts right in to finish the thought. He also interrupts to override the other’s opinions with his own. The interrupter acts as though other people are either not important or their views are irrelevant.
  3. Another situation is when someone asks a question but interrupts the person as the answer is in process. My question here is: If you are not going to listen to the answer, why ask the question?
  4. Some folks give a “running commentary” as the other talks. That is really disrespectful. If not disrespectful, it is annoying.

Every adult needs to memorize the following three statements. Except for emergencies:

  1. Interrupting someone as they are speaking is a manifestation of basic immaturity. Interrupting is just plain rude. We expect interruption from a 3-year-old, but we should learn basic courtesy by the time we are five.
  2. Interrupting reveals ignorance and self-centeredness on the part of the interrupter, and a disregard for the one who is speaking.
  3. Stated bluntly: an interrupter does not care what the other person is saying. One person often asks me a question, interrupts my answer, and forgets that he asked a question. That does not generate a good conversation.

As I was growing up, dad used to say, “When you talk, you’re not learning anything. But if you listen, you just might learn something. So practice listening.”

Dad was right.

We should learn to intelligently voice our thoughts; learn to respond without being haughty or boring; give others equal opportunity to speak; etc. But the number one key in the art of conversation is to honor others by learning how to listen without interrupting. Then respond wisely, intelligently.

James 1:19 (KJV) says, “Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak….” The NLT says, “Listen and be wise.”

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Unrecognized Dangers

Having been an operations officer (which included safety oversight) at a scientific laboratory for years, I am always on the alert for possible danger. If the grandkids are running around while holding something in their hands, I check to make sure it isn’t something that could hurt them. If I am with a work party and someone is about to climb a ladder, I make sure the ladder is secure. I am always on the lookout for electrical problems. When I was a pastor in New Mexico, several of my parishioners said, “This is the first time we’ve had a safety officer as a pastor.”

Dangerous situations which are easy to spot should be corrected quickly. However, people need to be trained to recognize and understand inherent dangers. Some years ago I was visiting friends who lived in an old house, and they had many children with three under the age of six. As polite as I could, I advised the father to correct a safety issue: five live electrical outlets in the kitchen and the living room did not have covers. If a curious child poked his finger in the socket, it could be fatal. The father began rationalizing that he trained his children not to touch the outlets and thought that spending two dollars for this situation was unnecessary.

But he DID spend the two dollars when, an hour later, he found his two-year-old about to insert her hand into an open socket to pull out a dead moth. That danger suddenly became obvious to the father. Dangerous situations can pose great challenges simply because they are not recognized. Therefore, training is important.

Here’s a minor event that happened with me. I’ve reserved one pair of shoes for working in the yard, and those shoes are kept outside. When I want to wear the shoes, I do not blithely put them on – I check for ants, spiders, crickets, and small snakes.  

When I checked them this time, out flew a big angry hornet. I was glad I checked them; this critter would have redesigned my toes. First Corinthians 12:26 says, “When one member of the body suffers, the whole body suffers with it.” How true.

There are many hidden dangers in life. Terrorists hide explosives in their cars, trucks, and clothing; and it takes highly trained people and animals to detect them. These hidden dangers have killed many thousands of people.

Undetected mechanical problems can become life-threatening issues. An undetected screw on the floor of the cockpit of a military jet caused one to crash, killing both pilots. Leaks in hydraulic systems of cars, trucks, buses, trains, or planes have resulted in fatal crashes. Old, frayed, or improperly installed electrical wiring in walls or in the attic have caused houses to burn down. My sister’s house was a victim.

Unexpected movements underground – earthquakes – have killed millions throughout history. Brown recluses and black widows lurk in dark corners, and copperhead snakes hide in wood piles and in tall grass.

If we foresee or anticipate these dangers, we can “head them off at the pass” so to speak, and mitigate the negative results – at least, to some degree. I am glad to say that mankind has become much better at it.

 But there is one danger in life where man has been a dismal failure at detecting. The results include broken families, poor health, disintegrating society, political corruption, suicide, skyrocketing crime, psychological problems, terrorism, and wars. The Bible calls it sin; it’s a result of refusing to privately and publicly honor God.

Rather than returning to the God of our fathers and correcting personal and societal problems, we ignore God and ignore the cause of the problems. We continue hedonistic, ungodly activities, but spend billions of dollars trying to fix the results. That is irrational. We promote programs which defy God while trying to solve the social ills that we assume are causing the resulting problems. We are intolerant of those who publicly stand for truth because we prefer to show tolerance for anti-Christian beliefs and bizarre and immoral behavior. This is, also, irrational because without a Godly/Christian influence, there is no basis or foundation for truth.

If we insist on pleasing those who live contrary to Scripture while denouncing those who desire a healthy, Godly society, we will never recognize the dangers that are currently leading us to destruction.

The remedy? Study the Bible, turn to Christ, and He will give us wisdom for living: both now and throughout eternity.

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Walk Like a Man

In April of 1899, in Chicago, Illinois, President Theodore Roosevelt gave a speech titled “The Strenuous Life” (http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/americanexperience/features/primary-resources/tr-strenuous/). He started with:

“In speaking to you…I wish to preach, not the doctrine of ignoble ease, but the doctrine of the strenuous life, the life of toil and effort, of labor gold strife; to preach that highest form of success which comes, not to the man who desires mere easy peace, but to the man who does not shrink from danger, from hardship or from bitter toil, and who out of these wins the splendid ultimate triumph.”

In about 5,000 words, this San Juan hero, this Golden Gloved champion, this fearless American, President Teddy Roosevelt told his audience what it means to be not only a great American, but what it is to walk like a man among men.

All through history, some individuals were proud to be real men and didn’t want others to see them as anything less. If you insulted their integrity, you might have lost your life in the ensuing duel. (President Andrew Jackson participated in 103 duels but killed only one man.) Please understand that I am NOT suggesting dueling, fighting, or killing. I’m talking about being a mature person. About standing up for what’s right. About not backing backing down from truth.

Let me share with you some of the character traits of a real man. And for you women listening in, this applies to you, too. I am not speaking about gender, but about integrity.

The Book of James in the New Testament is our source. It has only five chapters so read it when you can. When I use the word “child”, I mean an immature person no matter how old he or she actually is, and the word “man” refers to a mature person no matter how young he or she may be.

 The following are but a few of the concepts found in James.

A child quarrels, argues and demands his own way, but a mature man will listen first, attempt to reason with others, and ultimately do what is right.

A child will try to avoid his responsibilities, but a man will readily do what is required of him no matter the hardship.

A child lies easily, but a man will tell the truth no matter the consequences.

A child talks incessantly, but a man will show respect and listen to others.

A child will say whatever will make him look good, but a man talks to benefit others.

A child is self-centered, but a man puts the needs of others ahead of his own desires.

A child slanders others, but a man will defend others while adhering to the truth.

A child ignores or denies God, but a man lives by Godly principles.

A child lives to please himself, but a man lives to honor God.

In all of that, I am not implying sinless perfection; instead, I am talking about a definite desire to live a life that is above reproach, is mature, and which honors himself, others, and God. A person in San Diego recently said, “I can’t live that way because of my past. I have lived a bad life.”

I told him, “You must put aside your self-centeredness, and stop using your past as an excuse. Romans 12:2 tells us to be transformed by the renewing of our mind. And that means with the help of the Holy Spirit, you must change the way you think. God will help you change but you must purposely cooperate with God.”

If we live a life of honor to please God, we will bless those around us and we will receive that “ultimate triumph” Teddy Roosevelt mentioned above.

The president concluded with: “If we shrink from the hard contests where men must win at hazard of their lives and at the risk of all they hold dear, then the bolder and stronger peoples will pass us by and will win for themselves the domination of the world. Let us therefore boldly face the life of strife, resolute to do our duty well and manfully; resolute to uphold righteousness by deed and by word; resolute to be both honest and brave, to serve high ideals, yet to use practical methods. Above all, let us shrink from no strife, moral or physical, within or without the nation, provided we are certain that the strife is justified, for it is only through strife, through hard and dangerous endeavor, that we shall ultimately win the goal of true national greatness.”

Friends, let’s walk like men, and serve the Lord our God.

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I Have Chosen You…

Election, free will, predestination, sovereignty, Calvinism, Arminianism, perseverance, falling from grace, limited atonement, TULIP, God decides, man decides…the debate goes on and on. I am not going to address that issue today, but I want to take two factors out of the equation and shed light on them.

The first is Romans 9:13. “As it is written, Jacob have I loved, but Esau have I hated. (KJV)” Most versions use the word hate in this verse as it relates to Esau.

Let’s get something straight right now. God does not hate people. He hates sin, yes! But Jesus definitively told us in John 3:16 that God loves people; and Jesus Himself gave His life for us that we may live forever in heaven with Him. Since that is the case, why does Romans 9:13 tell us that God hated Esau?

The New Living Translation gives us a hint. It says, “In the words of the Scriptures, I loved Jacob, but I rejected Esau.”

That is it! God did not hate Esau, for in Genesis it tells of the blessings Esau received. What we have in Romans 9:13 is this: God chose Jacob to be a patriarch with Abraham and Isaac of what we refer to as “the Chosen People.” And since the promised Messiah had to be born to someone, somehow, somewhere, He would come through one of Jacob’s families – and that was through the tribe of Judah – one of Jacob’s sons.

Because God is omniscient (He knows everything), He knew that Esau would rebel against his parents, against righteousness, and against God. Therefore, God rejected Esau from being a patriarch in the Messiah’s lineage. This concept has nothing to do with salvation or eternal destiny. God’s sovereignty? Yes. But salvation? No.

The second factor is found in John 15:16. Jesus said, “You didn’t choose me. I chose you. I appointed you to go and produce fruit that will last, so that the Father will give you whatever you ask for, using my name” (NLT).

The Old Testament mentions many prophets. Normally, God chose one primary prophet at a time, but there were schools of prophets “in training.” Second Kings 2:3 refers to this. “The group of prophets from Bethel came to Elisha and asked him, Did you know that the Lord is going to take your master away from you today?”

The custom was for those in training to ask the head prophet for personal tutoring. The primary prophet would accept about twelve trainees; and if the students stayed close to him, the rabbi/prophet would teach them for several years. In this setting, the trainees “chose” the teacher.

But Jesus did it differently.

As Jesus was beginning his final three years on earth, He was both rabbi and prophet. Rather than waiting for trainees to come to Him, Jesus searched out and chose twelve men to be His disciples. But again, this had nothing to do with salvation. Notice the wording in John 15:16 – “You didn’t choose me. I chose you. I appointed you to go and produce fruit that will last, so that the Father will give you whatever you ask for, using my name.”

Do you see it? Jesus did not choose these men for salvation; He chose these men for a specific ministry.

Also note: others came to Jesus to be tutored, but Jesus turned them away. He didn’t consign them to eternal damnation; He merely let them know that they were not called to ministry – at that time, anyway.

God, through the Holy Spirit, still selects men and women for ministry today. We think of it as, “God calling us.” God calls (chooses) people, gives them certain spiritual gifts to enable them to fulfill that ministry, and sends them out to produce fruit.

We humans muddy the water when we try to turn everything into a theological issue. Let’s not do that, and don’t fuss with those with whom we disagree. As the German Lutheran theologian, Rupertus Meldenius (not Augustine or Francis), said around 1627 during the bloody Thirty Years War, “In Essentials Unity, In Non-Essentials Liberty, In All Things Charity”.

God is in charge, His sovereignty is unquestioned, and God requires our response. But remember: God chooses people for various ministry and vocations, and Romans 9:13 and John 15:16 have no part in the predestination discussion. Predestination is another story for another time.

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